Kenneth Sothman, Bears Superfan


Upon my arrival home from fall break I knew my Sunday afternoon had one plan and one plan only: watch the Bears game, for who knows the next time I’ll actually be able to catch them live. I mean with my luck, I’ll be stuck watching that one overrated team with a quarterback I shall not name that resides in the state of Indiana. This all changed though when my Mother said the magical words, “Oh by the way, we have DVR (digital video recording) now!”.
I’m really confident the world just stopped for a slight moment. It’s like the time I realized Baywatch had it’s own DVD set, it’s just a magical moment that words can’t express. So I celebrated my now free Sunday afternoon raking leaves for my grandparents, and later caught the game, which fortunately for us I’ve kept a running diary for. So sit back, relax, drink a Vanilla Coke, and enjoy!

- We’re hear live straight from the Sothman residency, which today will be supplying the game to me not only from the DVR, but it’s also in high definition, so if Rex is lucky we won’t get any close-ups on him so I won’t point out the make-up he wears. Unfortunately I’ll be going this game alone for the Bears Gal ditched me for Indiana State University this weekend, but Hailey the yorkie will have to do for now. So, let the magic of the 49ers and Bears begin…
- Right off the bat I’m welcomed to very homely voice in Pat Summerall, who along with Jon Madden basically raised me through the game of football through video games. The Madden/Sumerall break-up, which hurt me as bad as the Keith Olberman/Dan Patrick, still baffles my mind why it had to take place. Couldn’t they have at least stayed together in the video game booths? But we now officially know the Bears are considered big-time when Fox starts bringing in the big-whigs to cover the games. I can’t wait until we get Joe “Swing and a Miss” Buck.
- The DVR has started me right before the kick-off, which gives me a great view of these orange jerseys the Bears are sporting today. Personally I kinda like them, they may not be as intimidating as when the mid-90’s Bulls sported the black jerseys, but they’re pretty sweet none-the-less.
- First play of the game, a hand-off to Jones for a nine-yard gain. Even though he didn’t throw the ball, I can already tell Rex is going to be unstoppable today. He’s got that look on his face like he’s humming some Britney Spears, which was missing in the Arizona game.
- Very next play Grossman completes the pass, ending all worries anybody should have about him. Which makes us all happy, well except Kyle Orton, who’s crying on the sidelines. Maybe next year pal.
- Brian Baldinger is calling the game with Sumerall, and has already dropped a questionable line with the statement, “An offensive line doesn’t have to be spectacular.” Try explaining that one to David Carr, who’s been sacked about 15,000 times in his short career.
- Chicago drives effortlessly down the field which leads to the most important play in the first couple minutes, where Grossman dumps the ball out of bounce instead of attempting to thread the needle. Folks, Rex has brought his A-game with him today.
- Robbie comes in at about 12:10 to put in a field-goal, and at this point he’s about as dependable as gravity. In his honor I’m going to eat three gummy-bears.
- On the kick-off return for the 49ers returner Maurice Hicks gets absolutely impaled by about six Bears defenders leading to a fumble. In fact, I’m pretty sure his head was picked up by the Bears defense before the ball was grabbed. Honestly, Hicks didn’t even stand a chance.
- 49ers head coach Mike Nolan decides his defense can’t stop the Bears offense and throws the red flag for review. It looks like it’s a clear fumble, but then again I’m just a at-home viewer, what do I know?
- Less then a minute later commercials are cut short, for Nolan decides this was only a fake challenge. What that actually means, I’m not sure, but I hope this is in next year’s Madden somewhere next to fake punt and fake field-goal.
- At about 10:39 Thomas Jones does his best Reggie Bush impersonation, running down towards the line of scrimmage, stopping in his tracks, and cutting back to the other side for the touchdown. This game is already getting ugly, Bears are up 10-0.
- After commercials we come back to the Fox football playing robot who is sporting a new look with a pumpkin on his head. So the real question of the day is, who wins in a fight, Urlacher or the mechanical football player?
- We get another replay of the Jones touchdown, which leads to another great Baldingerism. “It’s really what good running backs do, they run where there’s nobody there.” I can’t make this stuff up. Somebody should warn Travis Henry this is what he’s doing wrong, he should be running away from the defenders.
- Reason number 2,195 why I love the Bears defense: Charles Tillman passes up the attempt for an interception to take down Frank Gore behind the line of scrimmage.
- Three plays later the 49ers are have put together a six-yard drive. It’s like watching a five-year-old play Madden on the highest difficulty.
- Very next punt Hester fair catches… is he alright? Or is he just reading my blogs? I’ll take the credit for it…
- Fox cuts to the 10th Sentra commercial where we follow Marc Horowitz as he lives in his car for a week. At the rate that these commercials are going, I hope his car gets impounded by day seven.
- An excellent Bowl Championship Series commercial follows, which has teammates from “contenders” climbing up random really high ladders to get to the top of the sky. To no surprise it’s the University of Miami player who starts fighting other teams and knocks down everybody’s ladders. And no, I’m not joking.
- Back to the game, where in the upper-right corner we see the Packers are indeed up 7-0. Remember folks, every Packers win brings Favre closer to another season, which brings us closer to the playoffs. So don’t be afraid to yell… “Go Packers!”
- Bears offense is moving slow and are on third down, which we are then informed that the 49ers defense allows teams to convert over 50% of third downs. The only equivalency in real life I see to that is the nervous kid that doesn't graduate beause he was barely passing a class to only fail on the final exam. Except it happens over and over and over again...
- I’d be disappointed that the Bears didn’t convert, but here’s BRAD MAYNARD!!!!!! Did I mention that Ball State won on Saturday yet?
- Sumerall and Baldinger are slowly bonding together, but I still can’t wait until we get Joe “Slam-A-Lamma-Ding-Dong” Buck.
- Frank Gore gets nailed by the Bears defense, which every hit like this on a runningback makes me think Tiki Barber is a genius for wanting to get out of the game before he’s crippled.
- Oh wow… I’m not sure what is more surprising, the awesome interception in which Urlacher was getting blocked at the line, tipped up a pass into the air, and intercepted it while falling down, or the fact Brian Baldinger actually asked Urlacher if he believes he’s good at pass defense because he was a safety at New Mexico.
- A little graphic at the bottom of the screen lets us know the Bears are second in the league in causing turnovers behind Arizona. Geez, thanks Rex.
- Wait… who’s Cedric Benson again?
- Bears drive down the field effortlessly, which leads to a perfect touch pass from Grossman to Muhammad to put them up 17-0. I think it’s safe to say the party is over.
- Baldinger drops another great line, “I think this is what the Bears wanted.” Really? The Bears wanted to be up 17-0 in the first quarter? Would never have dreamed it…
- Earlier in the day my grandmother made a good point, why do they actually call it special teams? Are they really in fact special? Okay, maybe Robbie and Hester are, but what about everyone else?
- According to the announcers we find out Lovie Smith goes against everything my 7th grade football coach taught me as Love tells his players to pick up fumbles and head towards the end-zone. The defense also spends countless hours practicing stripping the ball, which is exactly why we need to coin this type of football Lovie-Ball!
- At the 1:42 mark in the game Alex Smith looks cool while avoiding a Brian Urlacher sack, but his PF Flyers are lost along the way as he fumbles the ball to Harris which leads to some…
- LOVIE-BALL!!!! Harris ignores jumping on the ball as he runs it down the field for about 30 yards. I’m thinking of copy-righting the phrase before it’s too late.
- Rex leads the Bears to the 2-yard line, which leads to the following:
- Bears offensive coordinator Ron Turner is up in the booth with a Nintendo Entertainment System controller in his hand. He thinks for a second, and then says to himself “Well I hope Singletary isn’t thinking Left + A Button.”
- 49ers defensive coordinator Mike Singletary is down on the sidelines thinking the same, saying to hiself “Well the last TD was on a pass… so they’re going Up + B-Button!”
- At 1:10 in the 1st Cedric Benson jumps over the 49ers defensive line in perfect Tecmo Superbowl fashion, Bears up 23-0.
- And now Robbie makes it 24-0. Robbie Gould ranks up there with Donatello from the Ninja Turtles on my heroes list.
- End of the first quarter comes, and my prediction of the Bears winning 96-0 is still on pace!
- A little into the second quarter and Ogunleye makes his presence known with a sack on Alex Smith. Somewhere my good friend Jon Polinski, a 49ers fan, is crying.
- Now honestly think about this… Jordan was 23. Dye was 23. Sandberg was 23. So doesn’t it make sense that Devin Hester is going to be something great?
- By the way, Hester just returned the ball 48 yards. I high five myself in moments like this.
- I myself am starting to feel bad for the 49ers as the Bears get closer to the end zone. This just isn’t fair… isn’t there a slaughter rule?
- In typical LOVIE-Ball! fashion, the Bears go for a fourth and 1 on the goal-line when they’re up 24-0 with 10:45 left in the 2nd quarter. At this point the Bears are like Michael Myers making a guest-appearance in a Baby-Sitters Club book.
- Rex for another TD pass, and this has officially gotten out of control as we’re up 31-0. Unreal. Can we just give the Bears the Superbowl rings now?
- The Cardinals are starting their drive, which makes me think. Do you think Alex Smith secretly hates Matt Leinart for staying at USC for a fifth year? And could you blame him?
- Fox Studios lets us know that Chad Johnson has in fact scored, so the mo-hawk is staying in place. More importantly though we’re also informed Johnson has nicknamed himself “Ocho-Cinco”, which I’m already considering stealing. Sucker.
- Back to the game though where Alex Smith just got completely laid out by Urlacher. Honestly, what do you think a quarterback thinks when he sees Urlacher rushing at him full steam?
- 49ers punt again, which leads to another Devin Hester fair catch. Honestly… did Urlacher give Hester the “You better not screw up or you’ll be carrying my bags for the rest of your career!” speech?
- I’m really loving these short passes Rex is dropping on the 49ers. It’s very eerily similar to the style I use in NCAA Football. Which by the way I adopted that style the same year Rex was rated a 97 in the game. And you guys think he throws up ugly passes now…
- Just for the heck of it, “Swing and a miss!”
- At the 7:20 mark Rex nails Muhammad for a 37 yard pass, which leads to a very interesting debate. If the Pro Bowl were to take place today, wouldn’t Rex have to start?
- Uh oh… Baldinger and Sumerall start talking about the Panthers playoff loss from last year. I’d feel bad, but I just saw the Cardinals are now down to the Packers 21-0. Once again, go Packers!
- 36 yards later and Robbie puts us up 34-0 nothing. This is sick.
- A shot of Mikey Brown on crutches, which is truly a sad sight.
- Eventually we see somebody holding up a “Grrrlacher” sign, which makes me wonder how I haven’t thought of that one already. I’m really slacking.
- San Fran. is still struggling and gasping for life as they’re about to attempt a 4th and 1 with 1:30 left.
- Which they complete… only to find out Frank Gore made an illegal touch on the play. Apparently a receiver can’t run out of bounds and then back in, which I thought that rule was rid of a few years back. So here goes the 4th and 6…
- Which it can’t get any worse for the 49ers. Smith completes a great pass to which his receiver fumbles. Peanut Tillman stripped the ball, and once again, this is Lovie-Ball.
- We find out 34 points is the second-highest point total the Bears have ever scored in the first half. Just wait until we score 50 in the SuperBowl… well, it'll be 75 if we play the Colts. Seriously, they can't tackle.
- Which that last stat is irrelevant now, because Rex just connected with a fastball right up to middle to Clark for another touchdown! We end up going up 41-0, tying the franchise record. The Bears are out of control. They're going to win state this year.
- By the way, Rex is 18-22 with three touchdowns. Hate to say I told you so…
- The half eventually comes to a close, and I think I’m going to have to call it quits. I’m pretty confident the Bears have this one in the bag… to Miami we go!